So, I know I preached on about therapy being amazing (it is), but there are some things that even the most well trained brain cannot escape worrying about, and today I’m presented with two, and I blame one on the other.
The first is the reason I haven’t left my house today. I agreed to join a social situation tonight with people I don’t know, in a place I don’t know, in an environment I’m unfamiliar with and that doesn’t appeal to me. My therapist told me I should challenge myself, but this a little far, for me. The problem lies in the fact that I’ve made so much progress that if I fall at this hurdle and cancel, that means something. I will have failed, and all my successes up to this point will no longer mean anything. However, if I go, I risk embarrassing or disappointing people by being unable to cope. I am, mentally, in a situation where I have to decide whether it is better to disappoint myself or disappoint somebody else.
The other reason I am anxious today is because I am actually already pretty fucking disappointed. I spent a little of my afternoon listening to President Obama’s final interview with his speech writers (on Pod Save America), and I wept. It still seems like an injustice to me that tomorrow Donald Trump will be in the White House. This, obviously, affects the globe, but I cannot stop thinking how little I trust our government and how I would feel if some of Trump’s actions were echoed over the pond. For example, Planned Parenthood appears to be in trouble. I cannot imagine not being able to go to a clinic and ask for the morning after pill to reduce the risk of an unwanted pregnancy. I have never had an abortion, but I have had pregnancy scares, and the thought that I, or anybody else, may have to carry an unwanted foetus to full term to comply with the law makes me nervous to my core. I have lost sleep worrying about what Trump’s election as president means for the world. I don’t trust the world right now. I feel like someone will squash the globe flat and we’ll all slide off into space because Trump is President and global warming is happening and I’m supposed to go out partying and I don’t ring my grandmother enough and my breakfast had too many calories.
What I’m basically getting at is the fact that when the world feels pretty catastrophic, it shakes you to your core. Cortisol and adrenaline create a fight or flight response in you that should only be reserved for animal attacks. All the small things in your life which might usually worry you a little feel gigantic, unconquerable, beyond you, because your heart is already beating fast, you’re looking over your shoulder, you’re scared. Donald Trump is, inadvertantly, ruining my social life. I am trying very hard to meditate and maintain a holistic view of the world, but right now I just can’t. He has grabbed hold of my physiological responses as he grabs women by the pussy, and he has freaked me the fuck out.